Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
