I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
