so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
