Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
