Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
