Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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