On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I supernannyed him into submission
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
