Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Randomize
