I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
