found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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