she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
