Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
