if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
