Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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