Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sarcasm needs its own font
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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