so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
