Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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