Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My balls are so social today.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
