I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
