Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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