I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
