I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
