Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
