You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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