She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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