in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
