I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
