she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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