I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
