ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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