I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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