i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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