And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize