you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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