I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
