if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
