dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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