I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
