You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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