I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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