you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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