You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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