god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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