just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
