if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
