I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
