Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
