When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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