I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
