I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to sanitize my soul.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
