So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
