Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
