i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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