You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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