Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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