My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
