my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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